a fish tank.

Dating is hard. I know that putting yourself out there can be terrifying. Who knows if you'll be compatible, or even attracted to one another. With my reason failed attempt at a dating study, one of my goals was to see how dating worked in Utah since it seems to be so hard to get asked out sometimes. There have been so many times in the last few years that I've met different guys and as much as you throw yourself at them, show up to parties you'd never attend, ward prayer or even class just to get the chance to talk to them, they never seem to make much effort. You begin to think that its you. You're not pretty enough, not young enough, not interesting and obviously not date material. In this study, I wanted to give those around me the opportunity to get out there and go on a date. I mentioned this project to friends in person and through facebook. Lots of people expressed interest saying that they knew someone they thought would want to go out. I had high hopes. I won't rehash the debacle that project was and why it failed. It was just as much my fault just as much as others. But that being said, there is an epidemic happening here where people don't ask people on dates. I put myself out there ready to date any guy who came my way for 30 days and only a few came forward. In fact, I would say that only one made actual effort.

I'd like to contrast this with several examples of what happened to me in other states and why I know now that its not just who I am.

Example #1.
A year or so ago I went to Long Beach California for New Years with another single girlfriend. We went to this downtown beach festival celebrating the new year. Tons of people were walking the streets, eating at restaurants, watching local bands play music, etc. As we were walking, a nice young man literally stopped me in the street, told me how beautiful I was and wondered if he could walk with me and get to know me. As we walked he asked me about myself, where I was from and why I found myself in Long Beach for the holiday. He was very attentive and then asked for my number so he could call me sometime. Even though I didn't think he was my type, I was flattered that he made such an effort. The miraculous part was that he actually called me several days later. What?! That's almost unheard of. No Facebook friend request, No texts or random strange questions. Just conversation. yeah.

Example #2.
This last weekend my good friend Julie and I headed down to So Cal to hit up the beach and go to Disneyland. We made the best of the warm weather and had a great time. While eating at the Blue Bayou in Disneyland, a waitress brought over two Mint Juleps and said "These are from the guys sitting over at that table." while pointing to a table of four young guys sitting close by. They were all smiles as we looked over. We eventually went over to thank them for the kind gesture. I was smiling ear to ear because no one had ever made such a kindness to me, a stranger. They were so sweet to us and asked if we wanted to meet up later to ride a few rides and watch the fireworks together. Julie, who is engaged to be married in 2 weeks, was even flattered and we couldn't help but want to hang out with them. I knew that things like this don't happen to me in Utah and thus I had to take advantage. We talked for hours, walking and riding, laughing and enjoying the new company. Since then, one of the guys got my phone number and we've talked a few times since I've been home. He's genuine, kind and has a great sense of humor.

Its easy to feel like you're not wanted. Like you'll eventually blend in so much with the background scenery of Utah that you might as well not exist. But the good news is, outside of this fish bowl, there are people out there who notice you. People who can appreciate how genuine you are. Is it frustrating? yes. Is it almost maddening and you want to pull your hair out every time someone asks you "Why aren't you dating? I don't understand. You're so cute and cool." Yes. Its unbelievable isn't it? But there happiness no matter where you look. We just all need to move out of this fish tank.

Update - An epic failure

Have you ever been a little disappointed by life? So many ways to even name, right? yeah...
I may have over-estimated my desire to date {a lot} and have come to more/different conclusions than I thought would come with my dating extravoganza. I thought for sure that I would be overjoyed with all of this time spent with others and although I'm excited for the few dates with actual guys who applied and have thus made an effort.
Unfortunately I've come to two conclusions.
1) Most guys {and I'm sure girls alike} are pretty lazy when it comes to dating. I had tons of friends say "Hey I know this guy in my ward" or "I gave your number to my brother in law and told him to call you" or "I have a coworker who never dates but he says he wants to. I think I'm going to set you two up." but the brilliantly funny part is that I didn't hear from a single one of those guys. Sure I could go sulk in my room and be sad that they saw my picture on Facebook and suddenly weren't interested and accidentally lost my phone number. But the awkward part is that those friends who tried to lend their hand at Match Making are now coming to me asking if they ever called. "Nope" I must say and move on without feeling like a completely loser. Which leads me to my second conclusion.
2) I'm not that sad that this 30 dates in 30 days didn't really pan out. Come to find out, I'm not that interested in dating 30 different guys who are probably exactly like me and don't date that much because they're not that interested in putting themselves out their like sixteen year old girls desperate for attention and affection. Turns out I'm fine with dating a little bit and spending time alone too. I'm still going to go on the handful of dates that came out of the woodwork from guys who actually made an effort. They each get an A+ in my book even before the actual dates.

Talking to a friend who was curious how the dates were going, he asked why I did it. I said that I felt pressure from my parents, married family and friends, the culture I live in where people get married and have four babies by the time they're my age, and I felt like this would be a good way to prove that I'm actually trying. But the reality is that this would have been a massive undertaking and probably would have killed me. I'm 29 and I like my alone time. I work with an office full of people, mostly women who I love, but after work I like to go home, relax and veg out. Dating can bring on all kinds of anxiety that I for some reason chose not to recognize when I took on this task.

The point of all this rambling is that I failed. My whole project failed before it even began. It was the wrong type of project for me. Maybe when I was 22 I would have eaten this up. Social Butterfly to the Max. I told my friend that "Now I'm wanting to just meet a good guy and spend 30 days dating that guy ;)" So I'm sending out those vibes into the universe. Send me a nice guy.

30 in 30

An idea thats becoming a plan.
Here's the plan:  30 Dates in 30 Days >>>> Crazy right? I know. But just hear me out...

I'm creating a study of Dating. For thirty days starting February 15th until March 16th, I'll be scheduling one date per day according to my schedule and those poor souls enlisted to take me out. Saturdays can be double booked as well. Nothing extravagant. A little date to starbucks, the library, a movie, etc. Being creative is encouraged but I'm an easy going girl who's easily entertained without the theatrics. The process is simple. Fill out the questionare below and leave it in a comment or email the answers to jessathefashionista {at} gmail {dot} com. Feel free to ask any questions you may have about me before hand. If you have a cute brother, cousin or friend who you'd think wouldn't mind "participating in this study," send them my way! {I'm far more charming in person}



30 Dates in 30 Days Questionare

Name of the person going on the Date:

Age:

Contact information:(#,email,etc)

Residence:

Availability or preferred day/time:

Hobbies:

Anything else fun you'd like to share with me:



ok so I'm sure you're dying to know What is the study all about? Well thats just it, I'm not entirely sure what the study will tell us in the end, so I'm leaving that question opened ended and through observation and a little fun, we might find out some interesting things about the dating world in a different approach. If there are questions you have or ideas for these observations, let me know! I'd love to get input in all aspects so any of the Participants can add their take on the date as well. I'll be posting my observations here on this blog for the month so be sure to check back! I won't be name dropping or gossiping in any way, there are other sources for that sort of thing. {think people.com}


Thanks in advance for your support and participation. happy dating!! xoxo


disclaimer: I'm an active Mormon and living my life accordingly. So no creepy old guys please. For my sake.

Take a good look

There are times when you look in the mirror but you don't actually see yourself in the reflection. There is a girl there but you don't quite recoginize her. Sometimes we let ourselves take what other people say or what we think they think about us and we let that mold us into someone new. The world wants you to be one way, worldly - wealthy - skinny - and submissive, but you know that you're meant to be another way, kind - charitable - unique - healthy. Its even easier to let individuals dictate how we feel about ourselves. Listening to people talk about what they like and don't like about other makes it easy for us to tear ourselves down, so that we begin to feel like we're not good enough. Is there something I can change, is there more I can do to be prettier, skinnier, more interesting.

I'd like to, one day, look at myself and just smile. To know one's self is the best attribute of all, I believe.

So here's to us! We are young, free, independent and open to all new possibilities. Let's remember that individuality is something to be proud of and as Audrey Hepurn once said "Happy girls are the prettiest girls."

silly little girls

one of the perks about being single and a girl is that you're allowed to get excited about boys. yes, it's slightly uncouth for you to jump around and squeal but sometimes, just sometimes, its appropriate.

7

Seven is the number of times i've seen the same guy in the morning time pulling up to the building where i work in a white loading truck. each and every morning i think to myself "seriously? how am i seeing him again?" well... i'm beginning to think that its fate throwing us together. the cosmos have decided that its time for me to be swept off my feet and thrown into the wild coaster of love. ha ha MFEO, right?

so naturally i run upstairs, grab two or three of the girls i work with. we run to the far window and gaze down at the beautiful man and his muscles as he works unloading large boxes. we talk about how cute our babies would be and the wonderful life we'd have together. when he casually looks up towards the building, we scream and jump around in hopes that he didn't see us spying on him.

but of course inside i really do hope that he saw me.

something to think about.

"If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2am clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are...You deserve a girl who can give you the most colourful life imaginable. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads."

ps i'm a reader. are you?

a little personal and a little serious

dear friend who's a boy,
we've been through years of conversations, trips, movies, late nights and sleep overs. You've loved me and expressed this for a long time. most of the time I knew you were probably kidding. a few times I realized that you weren't. there were times, usually when you were far away that I felt something more. Luckily you could see right through me and all of my insecurities. I don't blame you for moving on. You shouldn't have to wait around for me to figure myself out. You told me once that I might need therapy, to find out where my deep seeded fears of relationships stem from. I thought maybe that was your way of sheltering yourself from my lack of affection. I realize only now that you may have been right. There's a reason I cried myself to sleep that night when you first told me. It wasn't because I couldn't believe you said it. It was because I couldn't believe someone else noticed it before I did.
Thank you for being honest. Thank you for loving me all these years. And thank you for still being my friend after all I put you through.

love,
a girl who's really sorry.

- honestly thinking about the therapy. it couldn't hurt, right?




--------------------------------------------------
Even though its fun being single, playing the field, doing whatever you want when you want, sometimes there are things you have to work out first before that person comes along. Sometimes it might take just getting to know yourself better. Sometimes it might mean trying new things, meeting new people and then there might be things you need to figure out that you just can't seem to do on your own. There's no shame in that.